Today I Battle Demons
Playing with resistance to discover acceptance
Today I’m battling the demons in my mind. They seem to appear 1x1 interfering with my ability to write.
The first demon is like an old friend telling me that my writing isn’t going to be liked by anyone. It’s a voice that seemingly reappears and I feel annoyed with it. I know it’s just some left over feeling from when I was a child or some past life energy of having been persecuted. Yet I tire of the same demon reappearing. I have battled this demon many times and tried to make it go away.
This demon is tiny and seems to hide away until I am really excited about something and then it reappears with its little horns and ornery little eyes to torment me. I find myself having a conversation with this demon today. Rather than trying to make the demon go away, I decide to talk with the demon. Who are you? Why do you keep tormenting me and yes I know it’s not torment, I know that you are trying to protect me. What are you protecting me from I ask?
I sit down with the demon and admire his cuteness. Such a tiny creature with such determination. One must admire this amount of determination. I have battled this particular demon my entire life. Why have I not befriended him before? The mysteries I will never understand.
On a bench in my mind we talk. I share how important it is for me to tell this story of Ümre and how I want to be excited. That I know it’s important and I also know that many people won’t like it or won’t believe it and that’s it’s ok. I will be ok. He will be ok. We sit with each other in peace. He says he must protect me. I accept this. I know this. I say I must do this. He accepts and he knows.
Today I made friends with the voice of resistance in my head. I embraced it by giving it form and allowing it to have a presence. In this allowance, the resistance is melting away.
Today I will write.
The next demon that arises is the demon telling me I must have permission to write. It’s this a fascinating one? Who am I waiting on permission from? I sit down with this demon and her blue eyes. She looks at me and tells me I must have permission. Who am I to write about how I think the world works without permission. I sit down with her on the bench in my mind and we talk.
She too is protecting me and I realize that it’s approval that I really want. I want approval, this deep desire of the approval I always longed for from my parents. They are not on earth anymore and I know that the only permission I need is the permission I give myself. I share with her that I give myself permission, she doesn’t have to keep reminding me that I want it from others. I’m not the little girl anymore who needs approval from others. I approve of me and I give myself permission to write this book.
I feel like her eyes are full of sadness as she looks at me. She says that she is sad that I never got the approval I wanted. She tried to protect me from my own sadness. I feel this sadness and I allow it and she seems to surrender into peace in my heart. This demon is now my friend and I love her for feeling my pain. I free this energy in my mind by feeling the sadness. I allow it to be part of me.
Today I will write.
As I’ve reflected upon this today, I am aware of what we resist persists and in the resistance, we create a perpetual antagonistic relationship with our thoughts. Yet when I simply just fully accepted the resistance, they seemed to fade away. And I did write many words today and the words flowed easily once I was able to embrace the resistance and write anyway.
I did a few other things along with the acceptance like some EFT Tapping and a new technique called Havening that I will write about soon. Sometimes getting the physical body to acceptance is the most challenging thing!
Where do you let resistance stop you? Resistance is always just a signal of something to be healed or accepted or transformed. For me, it started as procrastination which I knew was just an excuse of something deeper I needed to explore.